A little Upsteady
by existential1rony
Summary: There are little to no Upstead stories that exist, so I thought it was time to rectify that, especially now. This story is about what happens when Jay finds out that Hailey and Adam have been sleeping together. Tensions are extremely high.


I turned around to look at Adam as he started to get up and dressed, the thought crossing my mind again on why I keep doing this. The first time made sense, I was drunk and vulnerable, and had thought Jay was dead for a horrible moment… something I'd rather not think about ever again. I know I'm in denial with a lot of feelings, but I'm just not ready to analyze them yet. So this self-hate cycle of sleeping with Adam it is, for now. He's a nice enough guy and good-looking, why not? And if there's anyone who hates themselves more in regards to relationships right now, it's him. What's that old saying, "if you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with…" Fortunately, or unfortunately, a loud banging at my front door jumps me out of my thoughts.

"Shit! Adam, get ready faster and don't come out." He looks a little appalled, but he knows the risks as well as I… neither of us want our little… arrangement… to get out. I walk over to the door wondering who it can be on a Sunday morning, when suddenly I hear Jay yell from behind it, "Hailey, are you ok? Your car is out front, open up!"

I instantly freeze, "Shit!" I have no choice but to open the door, and hope he doesn't see Adam (or his car.) I yank it open about a foot and give my best nonchalant face.

"Hey Jay, what's wrong? Why do you sound so worried?"

"Hailey, I've been trying to reach you since last night. I thought you wanted to check out that charity hockey game this morning? I know we didn't make definitive plans, but when you didn't answer any of my texts, it was unlike you. Then, I tried calling a few times this morning and I just kept getting your voicemail, so I started to get a little concerned."

I turned around to look at the kitchen counter behind me, and realize in my drunken haze I left my phone on it last night. I had also had the ringer on silent when I was at the bar and forgot to switch it back. Shit! My phone is always next to me, so stupid! Ok, don't panic… just quickly explain and tell him you'll meet him at the game after running an errand.

"Crap, sorry! I must have drank a little more than I thought last night and left the phone in the kitchen. I didn't mean to worry you partner. I'm still down for the game, but I have to run to….."

My words stop in my throat when I notice Jay's face turn from worry to… is that anger? Why does he look so mad, what's he looking at? I turn around to follow his eyes, when I realize the mirror on the wall behind me allows a view into my bedroom… oh no… and in that view, you can see Adam hunching over my bed tying his boots. Shit! That has to be the 10th time I thought that this morning.

"Jay…."

"What the fuck, Hailey!?"

"Jay… it's not how it looks… it's, we're, it…" I'm deflated. "..it was only supposed to be a one-time thing."

"Soo, this has happened MORE than once!? WHAT ARE YOU DOING? Y'know he was engaged to Kim! Who, it just so happens, he got with WHILE he was engaged to someone else! ADAM, get out here NOW!"

"Jay please…" I try to grab his arm as he comes into the foyer, but he rips it away. I can't deal with this right now. Adam comes and walks in, clearly distraught, and starts talking.

"Jay, look, it's not how it seems… We both just needed some fun with everything that's happened, and…"

"Some FUN!? God Adam, can't you ever keep it in your pants!? Do you think of anyone but yourself, ever? I can't with you two… I'm not completely surprised with him… but Hailey, I thought you were better than this. I'm so disappointed, I don't even want to look at you right now…" he shakes his head and turns to walk out.

My heart drops. All the feelings I don't want to feel resurface. I can't deal with this. I don't care what anyone thinks, but him… I go to follow him out, but Adam grabs my elbow.

"Jay, please…." I plead.

"Just let him go Hailey, just let him go. He'll cool off once the shock wears down." …I hear Adam say, but somehow I doubt it. I can't believe how angry he got. I feel sick. I walk over to the couch and put my head in my hands. I hear footsteps coming closer to the living room.

"Adam, just go, please!" The last thing I hear before the tears start streaming down is the quiet clasp of the door closing. It's just me and my feelings now. Perfect.

* * *

There is not one person on the planet I can think of who likes Mondays, but this is by far the worst one in a really long time for me. Worse than the Monday after getting shot recently and having to sit through desk duty for a few days after. Worse than the Monday after losing Al… I can't even believe I'm thinking that. In fact, maybe even worse than the Monday after Erin left me. Those are feelings I don't want to resurrect, that's for sure. Hell, the feelings I'm feeling right now are not ones I even want to think about. I can't get Hailey and Adam out of my head. Hailey, of all people. I didn't sleep a wink last night. Part of me can't get over how angry I got. The other part of me is questioning an emotion I haven't felt in a while, hardly ever… jealousy. It's confusing me, and emotionally draining me at the same time, and I can't believe I have to sit in a car with HER all day today. Monday! I'm pouring myself some coffee in the break room when Platt walks in.

"Wow Halstead, you're here early. And you look like crap! Rough night?" she asks as she pours herself a cup.

"Thanks Serg, you really know how to make a guy feel special! Just didn't sleep well, that's all."

"Ok, well, if you need anything, let Upton know!" My eyes stare angry bullets at her and she catches it and raises her hands in defense.

"Geez Jay, it was just a joke, alright? Down that coffee fast, you must need it. Let me know if you need anything." She shakes her head and walks out. Damn, this is going to be the Longest. Day. Ever.

A few hours later I'm sitting in the car with Hailey in complete silence. She came up to me in the lockers earlier and tried to talk, but I stormed out. It's not like me, but I just couldn't. Fortunately, Adam hasn't tried to talk or come near me today, which is a great thing, because I feel like punching him for some reason. I managed to get through the desk briefing on the stakeout with minimal talking. Voight didn't seem to notice any tension, nor did anyone else, since it was a quick briefing. I'll take all the small miracles I can get today. Hard to act like everything is copacetic around a bunch of detectives.

I know there's only so long the car will stay in complete silence. I look at Hailey out of the corner of my eye, and can't help but notice how sad she looks. I want to clear the air, I do, but I'm still so angry. She must sense my staring, because the silence finally ends.

"Jay, can we please talk about this?"

"There's nothing to talk about. You're a grown adult. You can make your own decisions."

"If you really believe that, then why are you so upset with me?"

"I'm not upset." Even I know that comes out sounding weak and untrue, but it's all I have at the moment.

"You're definitely angry at me, at Adam. Can you just let me try to explain?"

"I don't care about Adam. He's the one who'll have to face the repercussions from Kim whenever she finds out… which won't be from me, mind you. But I know him, his guilt and masochism will make him fess up. I'm disappointed with you, Hailey. You're better than him. You're better than all of us. You and your formerly bleeding heart… I don't want to discuss this anymore!"

"So you get to put me on some pedestal like I'm not allowed to make mistakes too, and I get no say? Adam is single, as am I. I'm not saying it was right, def not the smartest decision on my part, but like you said, we're both adults. I don't understand what gives you the right to be angry with me? Judge me sure, but…"

"I said I don't want to discuss this anymore. Can we please just focus on the job and get through this stakeout without killing the other? All we have to be is partners right now, that's it! There's nothing more for us to discuss."

"Fine!.." Hailey says angrily, and it gets dead silent after that. I stare straight ahead, jaw locked in frustration. I swear, out of the corner of my eye, I can see a tear fall down Hailey's cheek. My heart constricts, but I don't dare acknowledge it or say anything. How did we get to this point? She's supposed to be my partner, that's it. I swore it to myself. I sigh. Monday!

* * *

It's been a few weeks now since Jay caught Adam and I, and the tension is starting to reach an all time high between Jay & myself. I'm completely on edge. Voight has started to notice, Burgess, Atwater, everyone has. It got so bad a week ago that Voight pulled Jay & I into his office and screamed:

"I don't know what's going on between you two, nor am I entirely sure that I want to, but whatever it is, you better fix it. NOW! I will not have you put your lives, or anyone else on this team's lives at risk over un-scratchable itches. I will pull your partnership, and if that doesn't work, I will pull one of you completely. Make it work! Now, get out of my office!"

If all my emotions weren't already filled between being angry at Jay and trying to deny my feelings for him, I would have been mortified. I of course tried to talk to him right after, and he ignored me to walk over to Antonio and started discussing the Blackhawks game. I was infuriated. The tensions had started to build more the day I noticed that Jay seemed back to normal with Adam already. What in the actual fuck? I hadn't seen Adam in private since that dreaded morning, as we both realized our stupidity, but I pulled him aside after that. I simply wanted to know how he and Jay were so chummy again. He told me they had gotten together, aired everything out, and were ok again. I was LIVID. Jay, who for all intents and purposes, been much closer to me the past two years than he has with Adam, makes amends with him first? Adam begged me to let it go and to just give Jay time, mumbling something about different circumstances, but I couldn't. I snapped, walked over to Jay's desk, and said, "What gives you the right?" to my dismay, slightly louder than I intended… and insert Voight. It's been almost a week since then & Jay and I haven't spoken a word to each other outside of work obligations.

I can't take it anymore. Not only is it making it impossible for me to hide my emotions and block, like I usually do, but I miss my partner. I miss Jay, even though he's really pissing me off. I'm not stupid; I know love and hate go hand in hand. And the "hate" is coming from… love. I hate being this vulnerable, but I've been at this point since the day Jay almost died, and I have to resolve it one way or another. I sigh, put my drink on the coffee table, grab my keys, and start heading to Jay's.

My hand is raised mid-air, about to knock on Jay's door, when I suddenly feel like running. But I can't back down now. I take a deep breath and knock. An indescribable feeling of absolute joy runs through me when I see Jay, that soon turns to hurt when I realize the expression on his face.

"What are you doing here Hailey?"

"Can we please talk? Please?" He must sense the pain in my voice or see something in my face, because he steps aside and lets me in. We walk into the kitchen and he offers me a beer. Right to the point though, he bitterly says;

"Ok, talk!"

"Why do you keep acting like this, Jay? I don't understand. You already made peace with Adam, why do you keep pushing me away? I didn't do anything to you! You're acting like a jealous husband."

"Oh, you wish Hailey. Wouldn't that be convenient for you, then you can sleep with the whole department. "

"HOW DARE YOU! I can't believe you just said that to me. What has gotten into you? WHY ARE YOU SO ANGRY OVER THIS?" I'm on the verge of teetering right now, but I don't care. I'm about to lay into Jay some more when he starts to yell.

"BECAUSE!"

"BECAUSE WHY!?"

Jay slams his hand on the counter. "Dammit, Hailey!"

"What Jay, what!?"

I'm getting even more frustrated. He turns around. Defeated, I'm about to tell him to forget it, to shove it, that we're though; when he grabs me by my arm and pulls me back. He has a look in his eyes I can't decipher, and before I can figure out what it means, he slams his lips onto mine. I'm in utter shock, but also overjoyed, it takes me a few seconds to register what is happening. Just as I'm about to kiss him back, he pulls away.

"I'm sorry," he says. He looks devastated and my heart aches.

"Ok, now we really need to talk, seriously. Please, let me explain." I grab his hand and walk him over to the couch. "The night Adam and I first got together…"

"I really don't want to hear this. You don't owe me an explanation. I've been a complete jerk and had no right."

"Judging by what just happened in the kitchen, you'll want to hear this. Unless I've gone completely mad and misread everything. Because if you didn't mean for what happened in there, I totally get it…It's fine, we can pretend it didn't happen." I falter my words, feeling the walls close up. It's the only way to protect my heart.

Jay finally smiles for the first time in forever. "You didn't misread anything. Please continue, I promise I won't interrupt again."

"The first night Adam and I got together, was the night you got shot… Jay, I was so torn up inside, I thought I lost you. As I walked away from our conversation in the rig, I burst into tears. Tears I wasn't expecting, because I had fought my feelings so hard. Adam saw me and walked over to comfort me. I foolishly went to go grab a drink with him, and one drink turned into eight. It just spiraled from there. He's been so distraught over Al and Kim… and I had just come to terms that I almost lost another partner that I…" (I wanted to say 'loved,' but I know him nor I were ready to be fully open just yet.) "…cared for. Afterward, we thought it best to forget it ever happened… but being with him, helped me to forget how I felt about you, and helped him to forget Kim. It was stupid, and reckless, and I never meant to hurt you, or our partnership. Please forgive me."

Jay sits quietly for a few moments, pondering; which really starts to make me nervous. Then he exhales a sigh… of relief? And he smiles and grabs my hand.

"Hailey, I was never mad at you. I was mad at myself. The second I saw you with him, I realized all the feelings I had been blocking were true. All I saw was red that day, and I knew it was a lost cause. I had fallen for another partner."

He shrugs his shoulders, and a swarm of emotions overwhelm me. I can't believe this entire month transpired all because he felt the same way about me that I did about him.

"Wow! Well, don't we make the best emotionally-unavailable partnership around?"

He laughs, "Yea, we are def two stupid peas in a pod."

"So, what do we do now?"

He leans closer, "Well, we can start scratching those itches Voight was talking about!"

I burst into laughter. "Oh God, you think he suspects?"

Jay makes his typical smirk. "Hailey, I think EVERYONE suspects, especially now."

"Well, no point in denying it anymore, there's only one thing left to do."

"Yea, what's that?"

I grab his collar and pull him on top of me as I kiss him. All kinds of emotions fill my brain as we kiss. I can get used to it. I've decided to let the feelings in, and it's never felt better. If you had told me four years ago that I'd let myself fall for another partner, I'd laugh… but then, that was before I met Jay Halstead. 

* * *

_[A/N: Never wrote a fanfic before, but felt that these two needed some love because I'm utterly shocked how little there is on them. They seem to have a pretty big fan base. Any-who, thanks for bearing with me & for all the kind reviews, much appreciated! Hopefully I'll put together some other fanfics whenever the muse hits.]_


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